The chapter theorizes the tension inherent in contemporary western heterosexual love between, on one hand, norms of gender equality and freedom to choose and, on the other, persisting gender inequality. Focusing on the empirically documented asymmetry in love ‘exchanges’ as such between women and men, I ask how this tendency comes about despite the fact that mutual love is the raison d’être of the relationship, that the ideological context prescribes gender equality and that there are no salient external factors that stop women from breaking up in case they are not satisfied.
My main argument is that, since what we normally (can) expect from women and men differs, what tends to evoke gratitude, appreciation and love is also gendered. Hence, even if an individual man practices reciprocity in love, he will still be structurally advantaged to the extent that his behaviour implies a positive break with what can be expected from men in general. This tends to make the woman more grateful than the man – despite the actual symmetry – and thereby the asymmetry is paradoxically reinstated.